The Recipe for the Perfect Poem
rests on the bookshelf in the blue room
decorated with birds and brooches waiting
to be admired, waiting to find
warm fingers and a grin, waiting to see
the old why-haven't-I-noticed-this-before look,
the I-feel-like-I'm-musing-through-a-museum
eyes glassing over, before it snickers
at you. You can't remove items
from the museum. You can
simply warm the bench.
This is the firt draft, revised a couple of times in my mind. ;) Feedback/suggestions always welcome.
Very cool how you hyphenate the observation of noticing and the spectator feeling of being in a great museum. I think equating the reception of "the perfect poem" on one who is appreciative would definitely produce a similar effect.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you could just look again at the flow of the poem, revise a little. I agree with Dustus about the hyphenated bits, sounds like you're telling off! Great!
ReplyDeleteThe details you include are wonderful...blue room. Also, like "You can't remove items from the museum" and snickers is a good word choice.
ReplyDeleteThe ending is a little flat for me. I'd continue to work on this one.
this was a fun read...i like your descriptors and i like the hyphens...you have a few subtle rhymes in there...play it up and make it flow a bit more...
ReplyDeletei like a lot the sort of tongue-in-cheek humor here; that last line a warning to all poets! :) like some of the others here, i'm also a fan of the hyphenations, and i do think the rhythm changes from beginning to end (which may or may not have been your intention). impressive for a first draft.
ReplyDeletelove the use of description, sublte hints of form, yet changing its shape... modified.
ReplyDeletewell done.
I'm liking this A LOT! Good luck with it, but I wouldn't tamper too much.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate your insight. I will be revising this weekend. :)
ReplyDeleteWishing everyone a fun Friday and a relaxing weekend! Andrea
Ahh!!! Simply warm the bench.. so beautiful write.. I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing...
ReplyDeleteॐ नमः शिवाय
Om Namah Shivaya
http://shadowdancingwithmind.blogspot.com/2011/02/whispers-another-kind-of-valentines-day.html